Dilemma Of Economy

I hate flying Economy. It’s punishment, only you pay hundreds of dollars to do it to yourself.

An hour ago, I pleaded with the lady at the service counter, “Miss, please do not make me sit next to the aisle. I’ll take anything, hold on to the wing if I have to.”

I know better than to get seats where you are brushed constantly by people negotiating their way to the washroom. Not to mention the crotches and behinds stuck in your face when there are lines. I don’t know if it’s worse than the middle. In that section you’re trapped—especially if the people beside you fall asleep. Try getting to the washroom then.

Hopefully, you get to sit next to someone pleasant, maybe someone even attractive. However, it is more common to get sandwiched between two ugly people and have to stake a claim for the armrest. And the law of the land is—whoever puts their arm there first…..gets it for the rest of the ride.

I think it’s fantastic—the progress mankind has made over the last century. But as a society, we still have some kinks to straighten out. Like, where are the conduct guidelines for ‘breaking wind’ in public. Cause apparently, some people play by their own rules. Others like me, will fight the bodily urge and release in a well-landscaped park or similar ventilated setting. But then there are those who do it as the mood strikes, as if it were nothing; like they were leisurely opening a can of soda.

I will get 10000 petitions signed for a by-law governing ‘this behavior’. Passenger Planes, are at the top of my list. For the comfort and safety of crew and passengers, there must be a posted sign. Something, akin to this:

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1. If any passenger in First Class passes gas in this section of the aircraft, a sincere apology to other passengers will suffice. 2. However, if any passenger in Economy Class is caught passing gas, and that gas....is unbearable to two or more people in the vicinity, he/she will be thrown out of the plane.

And just as these laws are needed in aircrafts, they are urgently required in gatherings equally un-escapable; such as buses, elevators and stairwells. See your City Council.

On return from Miami, I was seated on the left side but in the middle of two other passengers. The man on my right in the army green shorts was the ideal citizen; he sat quietly listening to his headphones the whole time.

But the ‘dickhead’ to my left in the window seat made my teeth grind the whole trip. It started when he decided to put his big head in front the mini-sized window to look out as the plane was taking off. It was as if, he had never been on a plane.

The rest of us couldn’t see shit. And we were looking. This big fuckin nerd. He did this until the aircraft was fully into the clouds. I have no idea what he was looking for, out there.

I could tell it wasn’t his first time flying. He looked way too comfortable; sitting in a simple worn-out t-shirt and jeans, like he had nobody to impress.

I wanted to hold him by the back of his big, balding head and bang it on the window pane. But my inner voice made me feel guilty for thinking aggressively, “Steven, you can’t use violence to solve your problems.”

“Fuck off,” I told myself.

The man spent the entire trip reading. I was reading also, but it was entirely different. I know because I checked what he was studying so intensely. I had to make sure he was no terrorist in training. It was an article on “The Effects of Wind Contursion on Tall Buildings”. Fine, who cares?

But the item that followed was the ‘fine print’ on some Insurance Provisions. It’s like what you get with your debit card. Who in their right mind reads that? This mufucka read it cover to cover. Because he was reading so intensely, he missed giving his cup to the hostess and the ice melted.

His reading material lay on the open, food tray, and I watched his watery drink dangerously positioned at the upper-right corner. A watery drink which if bumped accidentally, would fall onto my pants below. The stewardess made her way down the aisle and I nudged ‘window- guy’, pointing to the cup. He ignored it as if I was retarded trying to give him advice. His fate was sealed.

But what really disgusted me, was that dude was scratching the top of his head like a monkey and looking at his fingernails to see what he collected.

Not only that. But he actually flicked his dandruff-encrusted lice……..out into the air.

Right in front of me. No shame whatsoever. I only hoped he didn’t eat what he found. If that happened, I would move to a new seat, but only after publicly embarrassing him.

Like the time in the subway, this man had his bare foot up on the seat—and I told him to put it down. He told me, “Why don’t you mind your business?” I told him, “Why don’t I just mind my foot in your ass?” And he could see that I was serious, cause I was. I made plans to grab one of his shoes and throw it out at the next stop; just to cause blatant inconvenience. But before I could, his pride subsides and he puts his foot down. I wouldn’t have done that if his feet were nice. Sure, his religious garment made me think twice. But his toenails, I could not let pass.

The plane was now making its descent. You believe ‘window guy’ put his head back into the window. It did not occur to me to ask him like a gentleman, to let us to have a look. I could probably have said, “Sir, do you mind letting us look through now? You had it all the way up. What the fuck?”

But this was beyond my level of sophistication and temperament. I settled for slight sarcasm, “Aye man, take care you fall out the window.”

“Huh?” he asked, totally oblivious to the world existing outside of him.

“Nothing dude,” I replied, rolling my eyeballs upward.

I stared many times at the recluse, hoping he would see and feel some sort of embarrassment throughout the trip. He did not. Oh no, learning about the effects of wind on tall buildings were much too important. I accepted it and surmised; he was a man, still with the mentality of a university student, probably living with and screwing his mother. J